It usually starts with small instances. A message left on read for a little too long. A reply that feels shorter and colder than usual. Before you know it, you’re typing out a response with your thumb hovering over send, heart racing, chest heavy, even though you’re sitting alone in a room with nobody actually shouting at you.Anyone who’s ever argued with a partner over text knows what kind of tension that is, it builds in silence between messages instead of in raised voices.Although it might feel quite normal now, especially with how many of our relationships actually walk through screens these days.It has become all the more common with the busy work schedules, distances getting in the way, and just feeling easier to type something out than to say it out loud.But easier doesn’t always mean better, and a lot of us don’t realise how differently these fights on texts land compared to the ones we have face to face.Turns out, there’s actually a word for this very specific, very modern kind of conflict.
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There’s actually a name for fighting over text !
Fighting with your partner through text messages has a term now known as fexting. According to a Cosmopolitan report, sex therapist Martha Tara Lee, PhD, founder of Eros Coaching, says, fighting over text in a romantic relationship often looks like a back-and-forth exchange of angry or hurtful messages. She adds that it frequently involves accusations, blame, and negative emotions being conveyed over text simply because in-person communication isn’t possible in that moment.
‘Fexting’ is not always loud; sometimes it’s silence
Fexting doesn’t always mean an aggressive back-and-forth. It can also happen as a broken communication, where your partner clearly has their phone but chooses not to reply, or responds with short, bare-bones answers. Warning signs might include passing accusations, hurtful name-calling in an angry tone.
Fexting can be beneficial, but it comes with a catch
Fexting isn’t entirely without benefit. Lee points out that texting gives you “the ability to take time to think about what you want to say before responding,” which helps if you tend to blow up during conflict.
But, fexting can also cause misunderstandings
The bigger issue is that we actually don’t get to understand what the other person is trying to express because of the barrier of physical presence. There is an absence of vocal tone, facial expressions, or physical closeness, all of which can make conflicts worse instead of resolving them.If ‘fexting’ is unavoidable, Lee recommends using “I statements” instead of blame, taking short breaks of five to twenty minutes when needed, and avoiding all-caps or excessive exclamation points that come across as rude.
We should know when it’s time to put the phone down
Not every disagreement belongs on a screen. Complex or emotionally loaded topics, especially recurring ones, are best saved for an in-person or phone conversation. If a couple has a pattern of miscommunication over text, continuing to fext rarely leads to progress. The healthier option is to pause the conversation until it resumes in person or over a call.
