Parenthood can change almost everything. Sleep, money, work, relationships and even the way you see yourself. And in the middle of all that chaos, it’s not unusual for parents to wonder, even for a moment, what life would have looked like without children.Indian author and screenwriter Durjoy Datta, who has two children with his wife Avantika Mohan, recently put that thought into words.In an Instagram video shared on September 28, Durjoy spoke about the exhausting, expensive and sometimes frustrating parts of raising children. But beneath the humour and blunt observations was a more emotional question: if you could go back and choose again, would you still become a parent?
‘Consider how lucky you are to have a choice’
Durjoy begins by looking at parenthood from the perspective of choice. He points out that not everyone gets to make that decision freely, with some people becoming parents because of family or social pressure.“Should you have children or not? If you are asking yourself this question, consider how lucky you are to have a choice. So many people around you have kids under pressure – unwilling parents to unhappy children.”But having a choice doesn’t mean the decision is easy.
Life after children isn’t quite the same
Durjoy then gets candid about what happens once a child arrives. The sleepless nights, changes to the mother’s body, household responsibilities and the inevitable arguments over who is doing more can take a toll on a couple.“It starts with your body – the wife wanted to stay fit, but instead grew to 90. Then goes your sleep. What fool said that kids bring you closer? Instead, you will be keeping count of who stays awake longer – ‘I do more,’ ‘No, I do.’ Even if you don’t like going to the office, you’ll wish you could go to the office for a bit. Patriarchy survived partly because men wanted to run away – because no matter how cute kids are, they cry a lot and are very boring,” says Durjoy.His take is deliberately funny, but there’s a familiar reality underneath it. Parenthood can test even the strongest relationships, especially when both parents are tired and trying to keep everything running.
Goodbye, carefree travel and that cute apartment
Then comes the financial side.As children grow, so do expenses. And the life a couple once imagined for themselves may not fit quite as neatly anymore.Durjoy points out, “As they grow older, expenses rise. A husband and wife can manage to be happy in poverty, but you want to raise your children in wealth. You won’t be able to live in a cute 1BHK in the center of the city; it will be a cramped 2BHK on the outskirts. Before you know it, you’ll grow old. You used to be able to travel on a budget, but not anymore.”It’s the part of parenthood that often gets left out of the picture. The bigger home, school fees, daily expenses and the desire to give children more can quietly push a couple’s own plans further down the list.
‘Would you go back in time and be child-free?’
And then Durjoy brings the whole thought back to one question.“What if you had a time machine? Would you have kids again?”His answer is both funny and unexpectedly touching.“Then one day, a young couple will ask you, ‘What if you had a time machine? Would you go back in time and be child-free?’ You’ll quickly jump into that time machine and go straight back to the day you conceived your first child. But then, you’ll buy Titan and Adani stocks, make one crore in trading, and decide to become parents all over again. You will return to the present and raise your children in wealth – because once you meet your children, you simply cannot live without them.”And that’s really the heart of his message.The sleepless nights, financial pressures, lost spontaneity and endless responsibilities may make parents wonder what life would have been like without children. But once those children are part of their lives, going back can feel impossible to imagine.Maybe that’s the strange contradiction of parenthood. You can miss your old life and still not want to trade your new one.
