“You did such a good job!” a parent tells their child after seeing a drawing. The child smiles briefly, then starts talking about a cartoon they watched or asks what is for dinner. Another child receives a compliment about a school performance but immediately begins discussing something that went wrong that day. Parents may find these reactions confusing. They have offered encouragement, so why does the child seem eager to move on? Do they feel embarrassed, dislike being the centre of attention or struggle to accept compliments?There is no single explanation. Some children feel shy when attention turns towards them. Others may be unsure how to respond, uncomfortable with being evaluated or simply more interested in the next thing on their mind. In some cases, the reaction may reflect how they have learned to understand praise and what they believe it says about them.
Praise can feel like attention, not just appreciation
For adults, a compliment may seem like a straightforward way to make a child feel good. But children are also learning what praise means. Does it show that someone noticed their effort? Does it mean they are expected to do even better next time? Or does it put them in a position where they feel everyone is watching? A 2002 review examined research on how praise affects children’s motivation. The authors concluded that praise can help or undermine motivation depending on how it is delivered and interpreted. Praise is more likely to be helpful when it feels sincere, supports a child’s sense of competence and does not rely too heavily on comparisons with others.This does not mean that a child who changes the subject dislikes praise. It does suggest that a compliment may carry different meanings for different children. A child who feels awkward when praised may need time to get used to receiving positive attention, while another may simply prefer a quieter response.
When praise creates pressure to keep performing
Consider a child who wins a school competition. Everyone celebrates, relatives call to congratulate them, and parents repeatedly describe them as exceptionally talented. The next time the child takes part in a competition, the praise may feel less like recognition of what they have done and more like an expectation to repeat the success. Research has examined how the intensity of praise relates to children’s self-perception. A 2017 study followed 120 parent-child pairs in the Netherlands, with children aged 7 to 11.The researchers found that inflated praise, expressions that exaggerated how good a child was, predicted lower self-esteem over time. It also predicted higher narcissism among children who already had high self-esteem. Ordinary, non-inflated praise did not predict either outcome. The findings do not show that children who change the subject are responding to pressure. However, they highlight why constant, exaggerated compliments are not necessarily more helpful than specific, proportionate encouragement. For a child who already worries about meeting expectations, being told “You’re the smartest child in the class” may feel different from hearing “You worked hard to understand that problem.” The first comment makes a broad claim about the child; the second recognises something they did.
Some children may find it difficult to accept a compliment
AI representation/Gemini
Children also learn how to respond to praise through social experience. Some may have heard adults encourage modesty, while others may worry that accepting a compliment will make them appear boastful. A child might therefore laugh, deny the compliment or redirect the conversation rather than say thank you. Research on children’s understanding of modesty offers some context. In a 2000 study, researchers examined how children aged 6 to 10 responded to praise in hypothetical situations. Children aged eight and older showed a preference for modest responses and were more likely to justify them in terms of how others might judge a person. The researchers also found links between children’s views of modesty and their sensitivity to social situations.
How parents can respond without making praise uncomfortable
If a child regularly changes the subject after receiving a compliment, parents do not need to insist that they accept it or explain their reaction immediately. Instead, they can make praise more specific and less overwhelming. Rather than saying, “You’re brilliant at everything,” try, “I noticed how carefully you worked on that drawing.” This acknowledges the child’s effort without turning one achievement into a statement about their entire identity.Parents can also avoid repeatedly asking, “Why are you changing the subject? Can’t you take a compliment?” Such questions may turn a small moment of discomfort into another situation in which the child feels watched. If the child moves on, it is usually fine to follow the new conversation. If the pattern seems persistent, a gentle question in a relaxed moment may help: “Do you feel awkward when people praise you, or would you rather they didn’t make a big deal of it? The answer may be simple. The child may feel shy, dislike public attention or not know what to say. Parents should listen without assuming that the behaviour reveals low self-esteem or a deeper emotional difficulty.A change of subject on its own is not a warning sign. What matters more is the wider pattern: whether the child seems distressed by positive attention, repeatedly puts themselves down or becomes unusually anxious about making mistakes.
