People with a narcissistic personality often crave admiration and validation from others. They may struggle to accept criticism and rejection and act entitled to receive praise and special treatment. Again, it is important to note that not all narcissists are the same, and not all manipulators exhibit the same patterns of abuse. But in an emotionally abusive relationship, excessive affection can be just one of the many manipulative tactics used by a narcissist in order to control you.
Below are some of the most common ways love can be used to manipulate you.
1. They rush the relationship so you do not have the chance to get to know each other
In the begging, everything moves incredibly fast. Your new partner asks you countless questions about your likes and dislikes, future plans, and dreams. They also tell you that they know you are the one and that they have never felt this way before in their life. Everything they say sounds so sweet! It makes you feel amazing and loved! But, what many people fail to realize is that this is all manipulation!
They are trying to make you fall in love with them so fast that you do not have a chance to realize that this love is not healthy or that you are being manipulated. Yes, everyone falls in love fast, but healthy love never makes you lose your head in the beginning and makes you feel like you just met your best friend in the world.
The biggest red flag is that you already want to spend the rest of your life with them but have no idea what they are really like!
Love should make you feel safe and supported, not put you in a constant emotional rollercoaster. You should never lose your sense of self and the ability to make your own decisions just because you fell in love.
2. They make you feel special, then start manipulating you
After you are already emotionally attached to them, everything starts to change. It is hard to describe exactly how things change because it all happens subtly. Your partner starts criticizing you, controlling you, and putting you down, but always in such a way that makes you believe it is for your own good.
The partner that made you feel amazing now makes you feel like you are the worst person in the world for not doing what they want. It starts with small things – clothes, friends, phone calls – and then it moves on to bigger things. You stop doing the things you used to do simply because it makes your partner angry. You start lying to them in order to avoid them getting mad. You do everything they tell you because they stop loving you the moment you do not do so. Slowly but surely, they manipulate you into becoming someone you no longer recognize.
3. They stop being affectionate and attentive when you disagree
This is probably one of the saddest parts of love bombing. The person you used to adore and who made you feel so special stops loving you, or at least stops showing affection and support. They get cold and distant every time you disagree with them or tell them how you truly feel. Instead of listening to your concerns and trying to resolve them, they punish you by showing you how little they care.
You start doubting yourself trying to figure out what did you do to make them feel this way. You apologize even when you have nothing to be sorry for. You make all kinds of efforts trying to make them happy again. But nothing works because the problem is not you. It is them!
They get angry when you tell them how you feel. They do not want to hear about your needs or your concerns. They only want you to agree with them no matter what.
4. They make you question your decisions and feelings
When you are in an abusive relationship you may often find yourself fighting with your partner about almost everything. You tell them that one thing or another hurt your feelings but they think you are being too sensitive. You express your concerns about the relationship but they accuse you of being dramatic and controlling. You feel like you can barely communicate with them without one of you getting mad. You start doubting yourself trying to understand what is really wrong. Is it them or you?
Gaslighting tactics often look very similar to what many narcissists do to their partners. They deny things that are obviously true, accuse you of lying, and make you feel like you are losing your mind. Again, just because something is not gaslighting does not mean it is not manipulation and control. It is normal to disagree with your partner from time to time but when you start doubting yourself and your reality constantly something is wrong.
5. They make you always hope for the person you fell in love with
Sometimes the affection never disappears completely. When you feel sad or angry your partner reassures you that they will always love you no matter what. They make you feel special and important and promise to shower you with attention and affection for the rest of your life. Things start looking up again and you think that they truly care about you and that everything will be okay.
But, if the situation does not change for the better no amount of affection will be able to compensate for the loss of your independence and self-worth. You may always hope that things will get better but at some point, you need to understand that it is time to move on.
